Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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