it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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