Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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