Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
someone owes me an orgasm
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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