Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
