Your dad touched me again.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
