Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize