I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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