Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
