had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
