My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize