I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
