haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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