Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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