just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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