She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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