I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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