Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
