That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How does one acquire holy water?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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