I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
