my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
