I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
