i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
