curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
being pregnant is like rehab
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
