Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
