Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
