So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
