Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
