Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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