Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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