I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
They have beer where we have blood.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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