Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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