im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
