I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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