if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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