I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
