he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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