On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
