what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
