Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
