please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
