Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I want to make a zoo with you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
