I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
