well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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