There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
