i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
