He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
