Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize