i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
