you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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