nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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