Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
