Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
