If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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