Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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