someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
