I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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