I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
